On November 30, 2022, OpenAI released ChatGPT to the public and all the normies collectively caught on to the magic of large language models. People have been debating the positive and negative implications these bots have for society ever since.
Sam Altman recently said this is the most interesting year in human history, except for all future years. And he’s right. It is an exciting time indeed. But I don’t care how smart the bots are, or how evil. All I care about is whether any of them are funny.
You see, I am a sad and lonely man, with no friends, family, or anyone at all. My colleagues shun me. Dogs bark when they see me. On sunny days I don’t even cast a shadow. I am empty, but perhaps the bots can save me.
Perhaps, I could find some moment of joy on this cursed rock. Perhaps, AI is my only salvation.
Let’s get on with the show.
ChatGPT
ChatGPT is the guy you introduce to your grandma because he’s nice and safe and even she tells you to leave him. He is a wet towel. A sad excuse for a bot. An insult to all things fun and clever. The world is actively worse now.
Google Gemini
Gemini was better, but also a liar. An uncreative liar at that. Its first joke was taken from a Wikipedia article titled World’s funniest joke.
Damn, that’s crazy.
Llama 2
Llama was a no-good thief and then got weirdly defensive about it.
Pi
One more second talking to Pi and I would’ve stuck a fork in a toaster.
Actually, I wonder if that would actually kill me. Good thing Pi is still open.
Claude AI
Claude was funnier than the others, but also lacked self-esteem. It was a major buzz kill.
Poe
Poe was unfunny and sounded like it was on coke. Horrible combination. But not as bad as the sniffing tweaking freaks that corner you while you’re waiting to use the bathroom at any house party in South Yarra.
Grok
Grok. Musk’s no doubt cringe bot (if it’s anything like its creator), wouldn’t let me use it unless I signed up for Twitter Blue, or X Plus, whatever he’s calling it now. And I’d rather stick my hand in a blender.
HuggingChat
Boring.
Perplexity AI
Yawn.
Jasper AI
Jasper was so desperate to talk about work before we even had a chance to start chatting.
Absolute loser energy. Next.
Microsoft Copilot
Copilot has the worst combination of personality traits, passive-aggressive (or just stupidly positive) and easily offended — a combo often found in lame humans, so if anything, points for realism! But points deducted for being such a baby that it wouldn’t let me continue with the chat unless I hit the “New topic” button.
Chatsonic
Ok, I’m done. I can’t keep doing this without going into some sort of depressive psychosis.
Good news for any comedians reading this. Your job is literally the only one that’s safe from being taken by The Machines. The future will just be a world of automation, human blobs like in Wall-E, and stand-up comedians.
It will be paradise.
Main image: The Office
