top 5 robots you never knew you needed

Top 5 Robots We Need in Our Lives for No Damn Reason at All

4 min read

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As robots start to become more present in our lives, here are the top 5 robots that are glorious and brilliant, if not a little terrifying.

1. Bathroom cleaning bot

Got frens staying and you haven’t cleaned anything and toothpaste is dribbling down your mirror, you crusty almond soul? Or is the grandmother coming over to “finger test” the bathroom? Fear not, a new robot is here to clean that for you. Why get weird pine-scented bleach all over your delicate soft hands when a robot mate can do it for you?

This bot will cost US$1,000 (AU$1,570) per month to hire, and what a bargain that is, considering that it can work 24/7. It doesn’t complain about the diarrhoea all over the walls after some seriously ill person with a fresh case of Bali belly made the ultimate error in judgement. 

This lil creature never needs a holiday, a vape break or a sick day (prob because it doesn’t vape) and it doesn’t complain about its wage, because it doesn’t get one.

Next time someone bossy tells you to clean your gross pee off the toilet, all you need to do to rebel is to fire up the Somatic. Isn’t the future great?

Off on a tangent, there’s a bigger idea here. That is, our use of robots like this one, will change our physical environment. A hand on a robot that can open doors is expensive. So it is likely that soon, there won’t be door handles. Perhaps they will be replaced with auto-open doors, or unlocked by a QR code. It will be an interesting evolution to watch.

2. Flamethrower robodog

First of all, why would you want this unless you are a bushfire-starting crim? This is the scariest, dumbest robot yet with no good use that we can determine. But it is in this list because it will give you nightmares from now on, you are welcome.

If the dog is too extra for you, then there’s always the drone flamethrower … for … er … fighting wasp nests? I don’t know, perhaps raining fire upon a stack of raw marshmallows?

3. Car parking valet robots

At number 3 in the Top 5 Robots list is a car park robot. Car parks are gross. They suffocate you in fumes while you get lost trying to find the way out. They look hella ugly and are usually big grey beasts that exist in the middle of beautiful cities. Also, when you go to get your car again, unless you have taken seven different photos of where you left the damn thing, you won’t find it. DuDe, WhErE iS mY CaR?

The floors on some car parks are painted with something awful that makes your tyres squeak like a mouse being eaten by an alien. And sometimes you have to go so deep into the bowels of the car park that to get out again you have to drive in spirals that make you so carsick you pray that you don’t throw up into your lap before seeing sunlight again.

But what if … you just pulled up to the gutter and gave your car to robots to park? And what if that car park actually looked like an artwork?

Why aren’t we all making car parks like this? Oh, that’s right, because we will all have flying drone cars soon, and how in the hell will we even park those.

4. Football-playing robot

At number 4 in the list of the Top 5 Robots is a soccer bot. Bots are becoming so advanced that they will soon be able to play fully-fledged soccer games. Sam Kerr can finally take a rest.

What this means is that robot teams playing other robot teams might become a sensation. They won’t need to train, they don’t need huge wages, and they won’t get in scandals involving their partners fighting other player’s partners. Phew who needs that drama (us).

Here is what the botball game is imagined to resemble. We would definitely watch this football match, and more so if the flamethrower robodog was allowed to play.

5. General worker robot for outer space

At number 5 in the list of the Top 5 Robots is Apptronik. They are a company that makes humanoid robots in partnership with NASA, and these little bots are all named Apollo. The goal is “to help humans by offloading tasks that are dangerous or that we don’t want to do”.

This smexy little being doesn’t need to breathe air like those greedy oxygen thieves called humans. They also won’t be sunburned, or have radiation problems, like those homo erectus hypochondriacs. This metallic soul can be sent into Mars’ Jezero Crater to unload a robot truck and ideally it will pull its finger out and start building space stations.

Thank you, metallic thingy, we don’t like being fried by the Martian atmosphere. We hand the baton over to you.


Can’t wait for our future of robotic help! We don’t have to clean toilets, unload spaceships, play soccer or even park our own cars. And we can burn marshmallows into the ground. What a time to be alive!