Crypto comebacks: You are gonna need a whole lot of these at Christmas, especially when Aunt Pauline rolls up.
As we gather around the beautifully decorated aircon unit this Christmas, spare a thought for those of us who are crypto enthusiasts.
In Christmases past, we have spouted the virtues of crypto to a captured audience, talking about individual freedoms and financial leverage for those excluded from the financial system. This is while turkey flew from our forks in the heat of the moment, and landed on Aunt Pauline, who caught a property upswing in 1999 and has lorded it over everyone since.
We talked about how stablecoins could provide actual economic stability, so Grandad can invest in them. And if he did, he lost our inheritance, along with our siblings’ inheritance, and now they want to poison our seasonally overpriced prawns. God.
Shut up Aunt Pauline
Then there’s Aunt Pauline, whom we know tries to get a little bit too close to her nephew-by-marriage after all those lavender gins.
Aunt Pauline is crypto’s biggest critic, saying that she only invests in the stock market and in gold. OMG shut up Aunt Pauline, aren’t your knees hurting from when you tried to seduce your step-nephew?
So here are some comebacks when Aunt Pauline gets a little too moist in excitement.
Crypto comebacks, ready to fire
Aunt Pauline: Crypto is over, prices have crashed, and you are going to need to come live with me and be my house help.
Crypto Comeback: Famous stock market crashes happened in 1929, 1987, 1997, 2000, 2008, 2015, 2018, and most recently, 2020. But you don’t sell up there, do you Aunt Pauline?
Bear markets are a normal part of the market cycle, and it is the same for crypto. So stop touching step-nephew Joshua’s leg, Pauline. It’s a glass table we can all see.
Aunt Pauline: You should sell all of your crypto, it is of no use to you now. You should clean my Volvo for extra money.
Crypto Comeback: Pauline, don’t you know that millionaires are made in bear markets? And I am not talking about the ‘bears’ you welcome into hibernation with you.
Famous investor Warren Buffett has lived through 26 bear markets. He says, “Be fearful when others are greedy and be greedy when others are fearful.”
So thanks Aunt Pauline, but I know what you do with Eammon from Sales in your Volvo, it’s a cleaning job too far.
Aunt Pauline: Investment money will leave the crypto space and it will dry up like your love life has.
Crypto Comeback:: Bull markets can produce irrational hype and an overvaluation of assets. During the bear market, the projects on shaky ground fold, clearing the way for projects with real-world uses to surge forward.
It is also a good time for good companies to scoop up talent that has been let go from dubious projects. A bit like your electric toothbrush Aunt Pauline, the way you use it is a dubious project.
Aunt Pauline: Crypto is just made from thin air, it is created from nothing. You better come and mow my lawn to earn some real money.
Crypto Comeback: Trim your own bush, Aunt Pauline. Central banks create credit out of thin air.
While centralised cryptocurrencies are controlled by one person or company, that isn’t the case with decentralised cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin (BTC). In fact, BTC is not controlled by any single entity, such as a government or financial institution. This can make it more resistant to censorship and interference.
And this may save people’s bacon. In many countries with failing governments and hyperinflated currencies like Lebanon or Argentina, people can still pay each other and get funds from outside the country in BTC or other cryptos. This is a lifeline for them.
The same goes for Russian and Ukrainian conscripts who did not want to fight. They took their life savings in their pockets on pen drives and escaped across borders. The BTC can then be turned into local currency by using a crypto ATM, which takes the crypto and changes it to local fiat. The way that decentralised cryptos can give people freedom from tyranny cannot be understated.
The way I wish your leopard skin leggings would be — understated.
Aunt Pauline: Cryptocurrency is hard to use. Just like you during a one-night stand.
Crypto Comeback: Cryptocurrency transactions can be processed much faster than traditional financial transactions. In fact, using normal banking systems, a money transfer can take days to get to where it needs to be.
Crypto transfers can be almost instant and cost a fraction of what banks charge. It also doesn’t have to go through the intermediary kerfuffle that money does, especially if you are sending large amounts of money, like when buying a property. It is also borderless. You sending crypto to a Nigeria General who loves you (he doesn’t) is the same as me sending crypto to you while you are pulling cones in your car, Aunt Pauline.
The tech is providing a permanent and transparent record of ownership, and is allowing people to fractionalise assets — something we have no choice but to do, since people like you bought your seventh property and rent it out at prices higher than you were at the work Christmas party, Aunt Pauline.
This tech is helping governments track the use of carbon and emissions. Your generation’s big corporates spouted on about their green thumbs, but can now we can check their BS claims. This is unlike your claims that my present from you wasn’t a regift from one of your pool boys. And you don’t even have a pool, Aunt Pauline.
Stay strong, crypto lovers, top Aunt Pauline’s wine up and be kind to her, for her Nigerian general will be coming for her shortly. Merry Cryptmas!